Let’s Talk About the Mental Load

a.k.a. why you're exhausted before you even finish your first cup of coffee

You know that invisible weight you carry around all day? The one that’s juggling teacher, nurse, cook, chauffeur, therapist, event planner, and hostage negotiator—all before noon? Yeah, that’s the mental load.

And when most of that load falls on one person (hi 🙋🏻‍♀️, it's us), it’s no wonder frustration, helplessness, and resentment start creeping in like uninvited house guests who refuse to leave.

This is super common, especially for women—but just because it's common doesn't mean it’s normal or something we should just shrug off. We are the glue (and the duct tape) holding this whole operation together. And if the glue dries up? Well… let’s just say it’s not pretty.

So for the sake of our mental health, physical health, and basic ability to function without muttering under our breath all day, it’s time we found some ways to lighten the load.

First up…

Communication (aka: say it out loud before you lose your mind)

We have got to get comfortable talking about the mental load. I know, easier said than done when you’re already running on fumes—but trust me, letting your partner and kids know what's actually spinning around inside your brain can make a huge difference.

Setting clear boundaries and actually saying what you need (without hinting, sighing loudly, or giving passive-aggressive looks) can help shift things toward a more even playing field.

Because no one’s a mind reader. (If they were, the trash would have been taken out three days ago.)

Next…

The Art of Delegation (and no, it doesn’t make you “bossy”)

Delegating isn't about dumping your to-do list on everyone else while you hide in the closet with a brownie (although, not the worst idea...). It’s about building a family where everyone pitches in because, HELLO, they live there, too.

And the thing is, it’s okay if it’s not done exactly the way you would do it.
Your partner is an adult (even if their version of "wiping down the counters" involves moving crumbs around with a sponge). Let them handle things their way.

And kids? Listen, there’s a difference between kid clean and mom clean, and that’s just reality. (Mom clean is what happens when company’s coming. Kid clean is... well, it’s "good enough for a Tuesday.")

It’s fine. You can always mom-clean before your mom comes for a visit.

The point is, asking for help and actually accepting it teaches responsibility, builds confidence, and saves you from feeling like a one-woman traveling circus.

And you get a few precious minutes to just be—which, let's be honest, is worth its weight in gold.

Protecting Your Personal Time (aka: not optional, despite what your to-do list says)

Your time is not a negotiable line item on the family calendar. It’s a non-negotiable. Period. End of story. Full stop.

Carving out space for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s basic maintenance—like oil changes for your car or charging your phone before it dies at 3%.

Taking a walk, reading a book, having a hot cup of tea without someone shouting “MOMMMMMM!” from three rooms away—these aren’t luxuries. They’re right up there on the hierarchy of needs alongside water, carbohydrates, and functioning Wi-Fi.

And let’s be real: no one’s going to magically hand you this time on a silver platter. (If they do, please send them my way.) You have to claim it, protect it, and maybe even set some boundaries with the tiny and not-so-tiny humans in your life.

It might feel uncomfortable at first. You might even feel a little guilty. (That’s just your brain being dramatic.) But I promise you, protecting your time will make you a better, calmer, more grounded version of yourself—not some frantic shell of a human who’s five minutes away from snapping over a pile of used tissues right next to the trash can.

Because you cannot pour from an empty cup. (But you can absolutely pour coffee into that cup first. Highly recommend. Bonus points if it’s still warm.)

Prioritize Real Self-Care (not just the occasional bubble bath)

Self-care isn’t just spa days, face masks, and lavender candles (though, to be clear, I am pro spa days, face masks, and candles that smell like a forest fairy made them).

But real, foundational self-care? It’s not always pretty or Instagrammable.

It’s going to bed at a reasonable hour instead of staying up scrolling Zillow listings for farmhouses you’ll never buy.

It’s eating actual meals, not just finishing the crusts your kids left behind and calling it "lunch."

It’s moving your body because you love it and want it to feel good—not because you’re punishing it for existing.

Real self-care is drinking enough water to be a functional human, not a raisin with a coffee addiction.

It’s wearing the comfortable shoes.

It’s canceling plans when your body (or your brain) says, “Hey, I’m cooked.”

And sometimes, real self-care means admitting that the mental load feels too heavy and getting outside support. Not because you’re failing, but because you’re smart enough to know that you deserve backup.

Whether it’s talking to a therapist, coach, or counselor—or even just venting to a friend who gets it without trying to fix it—sometimes what you need most is an outside perspective, a fresh set of coping tools, and maybe, let’s be honest, a really good cry in a therapist’s office. (No judgment. I've been there. Bring tissues.)

Taking care of yourself isn’t extra.
It’s the foundation.
It’s the baseline.
It’s the thing that makes everything else sustainable instead of feeling like you’re one wrong move away from Googling “off-grid living communities with no Wi-Fi or responsibilities.”

You matter too. Always.

Moving Toward Something Better (because "balance" is a myth anyway)

Managing the mental load isn’t about achieving some perfectly curated, Pinterest-worthy version of “balance.” (If it were, we’d all be sipping green juice in color-coded kitchens with exactly zero junk drawers.)

It’s about making life feel a little less like you’re the lead operator in a 24/7 emergency response center.

Less "What now?!" energy.
More "We've got this" energy.

Through better communication, delegation, protecting your time like it’s a VIP pass, and prioritizing real self-care, you can start to reclaim your energy—and your peace.
(Not all at once. Not perfectly. But steadily. Like finding your way back after getting a little lost.)

And remember, you’re not just doing this for you (although, yes, you absolutely deserve to feel like a human being again).

You’re also showing your kids—and your partner—that a healthy, sustainable life isn’t about running yourself into the ground.

It’s about shared responsibility, boundaries that keep you sane, and the radical idea that your needs matter too.

Because someday, those little people who are currently wiping down the counters “kid clean” are going to grow up—and they’ll either repeat what they saw or rewrite it.
You’re helping them see a better way just by starting to choose a better way for yourself.

So let’s start sharing the load.
Let’s drop the myth of “doing it all.”
Let’s normalize rest, help, and imperfection.

And maybe—just maybe—start feeling like ourselves again.
Not the over-functioning, multitasking, caffeine-fueled versions of ourselves.
But the real us. The one who laughs more. Breathes more. Lives more.

Deal?✌🏼Xuan

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P.S. If you’re craving even more support, encouragement, and gentle reminders that you’re not meant to carry it all alone, come join me inside my paid Substack community. It’s like a cozy living room for women who are done with the hustle and ready for a slower, fuller life. ✨ You’ll get extra podcasts, behind-the-scenes posts, and some serious “you’ve got this” energy.